Becoming The Part - Chapter Six

She can’t comprehend it. Robyn can’t believe how all of her family are fine with everything that has happened. Her brother is happily going off to school every morning and her parents are going to work contently, leaving Robyn to feel isolated. How could they not care? Sure, it’s been a month and everything seems as perfectly safe as it was before. But how do you return to normality after what Robyn experienced?

She keeps thinking back to her visit at the prison. She keeps thinking about what he said. Maybe he was right. What if something is wrong with her? And maybe her mother’s right. Maybe she is obsessed with the whole thing. But how do you get something like that out of your head? Waking up every morning with those horrifying images in her head seems inevitable. When will it all stop?

This day is a day like any other. Robyn doesn’t wake up with a drastic thought of something unfortunately dreadful happening. She wakes up, gets out of bed, puts on her work uniform and makes her way to the café. On her walk she thinks about the conversation she had with her mother over breakfast.

“I think we need to talk.” She had said whilst Mr Miller and Connor were still upstairs getting ready for the day.

Robyn looked up from her food. “What about? Is everything okay?”

“I think you need help.” Her mother suggested reluctantly. “I think that maybe you should see a therapist so that you can get through the trauma you experienced.”

Robyn sat, staring at her mother for a second. She didn’t know whether to be offended or thankful. “Have you said the same thing to Connor? That he needs help?”

“No.” Mrs Miller shook her head. “Connor is doing fine. He’s gone back to school, his grades are getting better, his night terrors have stopped. I’m worried about you. You make it seem like you’re strong and like you’re handling this but I don’t think you are.”

“I’m fine.” Robyn insisted.

“Then why can’t you stop thinking about what happened? Why are you obsessed with the whole thing? You went to visit him in prison for Christ’s sake, that’s not normal. You’re suffering and I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I went to visit him because I wanted to understand how someone could do such a horrible thing. I want to understand why some people are the way they are. Why do they commit crimes?” Robyn asked rhetorically.

“Because something in their head isn’t quite right.” Mrs Miller stated.

Robyn leant forwards. “You know I think people say that meaning that their thoughts aren’t right or something like that. But I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s psychological. These people commit these crimes and do these dreadful things because something isn’t right in their unconscious mind. I’m not saying they’re not to blame. I’m just saying, maybe it’s something you can’t control. And that’s what scares me.”

Mrs Miller tilted her head and frowned. “Why does that scare you?”

“Because, what if one day, something just snaps and I do exactly what he did? What if something in my unconscious mind forces me to murder or steal or just do something completely out of character?” Robyn said.

“You really think you’d do something like that?” Her mother looked at her as if she didn’t know her. And that was the most painful moment of her life.

“No, I don’t ever want to do something like that. I would never intentionally do it.” Robyn stated. “But what if there’s something wrong with me that we don’t know about that makes me a bad person later in life?”

“Then that’s more of a reason to see a therapist.” Mrs Miller folded her arms over her chest. “If you’re really worried about that happening then a therapist can help.”

Robyn arrives at the café and goes straight into the back to get her apron and put her bag away. She continues to think about the conversation. Maybe she should see a therapist. Maybe a therapist could help to make everything stop.

“Hey, I need you on tills today.” Her manager pops his head through the door and smiles so she nods in reply then walks back into the café and over to the till.

“Can I have a chocolate muffin and cappuccino please?” The customer in front of Robyn asks.

Robyn nods and puts the order through the till. “That’s three pounds and sixty-eight pence.” The customer hands the money to Robyn. “Thank you, just stand over there and my colleague will have your order ready for you.”

“Thank you.” The customer walks away.

Robyn looks to the glass doors and for a split second she thinks she sees… No it can’t be. He’s in prison. She even visited him and saw him there behind that pane of glass. But what if, what if he escaped?

“Hi.” Another customer snaps Robyn out of it. “Could I just get a white coffee?”

“Yeah, sure.” Robyn puts it through the till then waits for the customer to pay before sending him off to wait for his order.

She looks back up to the doors to see if he’s still there but he isn’t. She could’ve sworn she saw him though. He walked past in a long, thick coat with it zipped up to his chin as he pulled it over his mouth. He had a blue cap on, pulled down over his eyes. The majority of his face was covered but she recognised him. She definitely did.

A sharp pain shoots through her heart as her stomach knots and erupts into a swarm of butterflies. She feels the anxiety rise through her body from head to toe and her sight becomes blurry as her eyes gloss over with tears.

“Hey,” her manager puts a hand on her elbow, “are you okay?”

Robyn looks at him and pulls away, tears streaming down her face. “I have to go. I’m sorry. I quit.” She takes her apron off and runs out of the café, down the street until she reaches her house.

She slams the door behind her, locks it and finally slides down so that she is sat against it, completely losing control of her emotions. She tries to calm herself down but it seems impossible as her tears fall off her face and she weeps into her hands. She finally stands up and goes into the kitchen but that doesn’t help. She sees him. The memory of that night seems to be replaying itself before her eyes. The puddle of blood on the floor. The murderous smile spread across his face. She can’t get it out of her head. She wonders if she ever will.

Robyn grabs her phone from her pocket and dials her mother’s number, holding the phone to her ear as the ringing drills into her head.

Finally, Mrs Miller picks up. “Sweetheart? Are you okay?”

“No. Can you come home? Please?” Robyn cries into the phone. “Please, Mum.”

“I’m at work, what’s going on?”

“I saw him again. I don’t know if it was real or not.” Robyn gasps for air. “I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore. I don’t know what’s happening.”

“Okay, I’m on my way home. Wait for me there.” Her mother says.

“I will.” Robyn nods as if her mother will see it. “Thank you.”

Half an hour later, Robyn’s mother arrives home to find her lying on the couch, asleep. She walks over and touches her shoulder, shaking it delicately to wake her up.

“Are you okay?”

Robyn rubs her eyes. “Mum, I’m scared. I don’t think things will ever go back to normal. And I keep seeing things that aren’t really there or maybe they are. I can’t tell. And I keep believing that maybe he escaped or he’s coming after me.”

“Oh, darling.” Mrs Miller brings her into a hug. “It’s okay. How about I ring the doctors and ask for a recommendation of a therapist for you to see?”

Robyn doesn’t say anything, she just nods into her mother’s shoulder.

The time comes around for Robyn’s first therapy session. Ever since she agreed to it, things have been getting worse. She’s having dreams which she can’t tell if they’re real or not. She’s been sleeping a lot more than usual and feeling down.

Her mother drives her to the therapist’s office and waits outside for her. Robyn feels her nerves begin to rise as she sits and waits for the therapist to call her in. When he finally does, she follows him into his office and sits down opposite him.

“Hello, I’m Henry and I am here to help you so don’t feel reluctant to share anything with me and anything you do tell me stays in this room, okay?” He says.

Robyn nods.

“So, just give me an insight as to what’s been going on.”

Robyn shrugs. “I’ve just been… emotional that’s all.”

Henry leans forward onto his desk and looks at Robyn with kind eyes. “This only works if you open up to me. I need to know exactly what’s happened and how you’ve been feeling so that I can help you.”

Robyn looks down at her hands and her eyes begin to sting as she tries to hold back tears. “About a month and a bit ago, a man broke into my house and he… he…”

“It’s okay, take your time.” Henry says.

“He killed two of my neighbours in my kitchen and tried to kill me and my brother. We escaped and got into a taxi to my Aunt and Uncle’s house where my parents were visiting them. After that, I started having nightmares about it and I was seeing him everywhere and I believed that he was coming after me to finish the job.” Robyn lets the tears fall down her cheeks as she comes to the realisation of how she feels. “I still see him everywhere and I still believe that he’s coming after me.”

Henry nods and bites his cheek. “When you say you see him, do you mean in your head or physically standing in front of you?”

“Physically standing in front of me.” Robyn admits.

“Was he arrested?” Henry asks and Robyn nods in reply. “So you see him and believe that he’s coming after you even though there is no possibility of that happening?”

“I guess.” Robyn sighs.

Henry looks down at his notebook for a second and starts taking notes. He seems conflicted as he looks up at Robyn and begins to ask more questions. “When did these delusions start?”

“Delusions?” Robyn tilts her head.

“You are experiencing hallucinations and irrational thoughts.” Henry states. “I need to know when they started so that I can figure out if something caused them and what that might be.”

“They started a couple of days after the murder.” Robyn complies.

Henry nods. “Okay. I think the trauma you experienced has caused you to have these delusions. I’m going to need to keep an eye on that in case this is something more. You might have already had an underlying mental illness that hadn’t really affected your life severely until you experienced trauma which might have brought an illness to the surface.”

“Wait, an illness?” Robyn asks. “What kind of illness.”

“Well, it could either be bipolar or schizophrenia.” Henry informs her. “But if it is, you’re only in the early stages. It’s good that you can tell that you’re experiencing delusions because not many patients can. They experience them and believe that it’s real. You, on the other hand, have realised that they might not be real. That means that it isn’t severe. But, it could just be that the trauma you experienced has caused your mind to create these delusions as a coping mechanism and there isn’t an underlying illness at all. That’s why I want you to come to me twice a week so that we can keep on top of this and figure out why you are experiencing these delusions and how you can deal with them.”

Robyn nods. “Okay.”

After many, many visits to Henry’s office and being analysed to figure out what is causing the delusions, Robyn is finally diagnosed with a mild form of schizophrenia. So he was right after all. She really does have a mental disorder that she didn’t know about.

As the days go by, Robyn finds it harder and harder to distinguish between reality and delusion. It scares her. She feels like she is losing her mind and nothing can stop it. She’s worried that it will get worse and there is nothing she can do about it.

It is a Saturday afternoon and Robyn is sat in the living room, curled up on the couch, covered in a blanket as she stares at the blank TV screen. Her mother enters and sits down beside her.

“You can’t lay like this all day.” She states. “You need to eat and get a shower.”

Robyn shakes her head. She doesn’t even have the energy to speak.

“Well, your father and I are going to see Grandma for a bit. Connor’s here. Will you be alright?”

Robyn nods and her mother kisses her forehead before she leaves with Mr Miller. Connor enters the living room and sits on the couch with Robyn.

“Hey, do you want to watch a film?” Connor asks, clearly trying his hardest to cheer her up.

Robyn just stares blankly at the TV screen, as if she hasn’t even registered that Connor is in the room.

“How about we watch Funny Girl? You love that film.” Connor tries again.

Robyn once again stares past him.

Connor stands up and goes over to the TV set. “Well I’m putting it on anyway.” He pushes the disk into the DVD player and sits down next to Robyn, pressing play on the remote.

Robyn thinks about what her mother said. She needs to eat and take a shower. But she just doesn’t have the energy. She decides she might as well get a shower. At least then she can be alone with her thoughts. She takes the blanket off and stands up, causing Connor to look up at her.

“I’m getting a shower.” She states in a mono-tone voice.

Connor nods. “Okay. If you need me, I’m here.”

Robyn leaves the room and slowly makes her way up the stairs into the bathroom where she undresses herself, turns the shower on and gets in. The water is freezing at first but she doesn’t seem to care. She stands under it, waiting for it to warm up and then starts washing herself, her curly hair becoming heavier as the water seeps into it.

Connor picks up the remote from beside him on the couch and changes over to the TV guide, deciding to just put on whatever is on E4. He takes his phone out of his pocket and notices a notification from BBC news, which he deletes, only seeing the word “escaped”, deciding he wants to go on his games instead of reading about it.

He hears a thud somewhere in the house and guesses that it’s Robyn. “ARE YOU OKAY?” He shouts to her but she’s clearly still in the shower and doesn’t hear him. He shrugs and goes back to his game as the TV plays in the background.

He hears the front door open. His parents must be home. “She finally got a shower.” He says to them, still staring down at his phone. Then he hears footsteps up the stairs as one of his parents probably goes to check on Robyn.

Robyn is still in the shower, now just leant against the wall thinking as the water splashes over her, going into her face. She hears someone coming upstairs and presumes it’s Connor. “I’m still in the shower. I’ll be down in a minute.” She calls to him.

And then she hears footsteps walking away, back down the stairs.

Connor now has his phone turned off beside him as he’s watching TV. He hears one of his parents come down the stairs and walk past, into the kitchen. He hears them open a draw, get something out and then close it again. Footsteps start to move closer, out of the kitchen, through the corridor and finally to the doorway of the living room. Connor turns to look at whoever it is and stands up in shock.

“You should lock your door.” He smiles that murderous smile with a knife held up in his hand. He clearly got it out of the kitchen. “I see your parents aren’t home.” He begins to walk towards Connor. “You thought you were talking to them, did you?”

Connor thinks about Robyn and how he had said that she is in the shower. “What did you do to my sister?”

“Oh nothing.” He says. “I just went to check that she was still in the shower so most likely wouldn’t hear you.”

“She will if I scream.” Connor states and then he lets out a deafening, blood-curdling scream as the murderer lunges at him.

Robyn hears someone scream from downstairs and turns the shower off. “CONNOR?” She shouts, seeing if he’s okay. But he doesn’t reply.

She grabs a towel and gets out of the shower, drying herself off and getting dressed quickly. Her wet hair flicks into her eyes as she rushes down the stairs. “Connor, are you okay?”

She runs into the living room to see Connor enveloped in his arms with a knife held to his throat.

“Oh god.” Robyn sighs. “Oh god. Connor, is this real? Is this really happening or am I having another hallucination?.”

“No, it’s real.” Connor chokes against the knife, now cutting open the skin slightly as blood drips onto his shirt. “I should have read that news report.” He says to himself.

“Why are you doing this?” She looks at the murderer. “What do you gain from this?”

“You two escaped.” He smiles. “You’re my unfinished business.”

“Please be a delusion. Please be a delusion.” Robyn hopes under her breath.

“What’s that?” The murderer tilts his head. “Delusion? So I was right. You really do have a mental disorder. You’re not so different from me after all.”

“I am very different from you.” Robyn states. “I don’t go around killing people.”

“Not yet.” He smiles and then in one swift movement, he slits Connor’s throat open and shoves him forwards, his body now limp and unmoving on the floor as blood stains the carpet.

“NO!” Robyn cries and falls to her knees next to her brother’s body.

The murderer walks towards her, the bloody knife casually hanging from his hand. “This is your fault. Instead of trying to save him, you tried to convince yourself that you’re nothing like me. You said you don’t go around killing people. Well you just killed him.”

“So you did this to prove a point?” Robyn looks up at him through spiteful eyes.

“No but I suppose that was just another excuse to do it.” He smiles that haunting smile as he towers over her. And then he goes to stab Robyn but she moves from under him and runs into the kitchen.

He follows after her as she runs into the garden, rushing over to the shed in the back right corner. She swings the door open and runs inside, closing it after her and locking it from the inside. The murderer bashes on the door and tries to pry it open. She can tell that it isn’t going to hold for much longer so she looks around and sees an old baseball bat propped up in the corner. She grabs it and then opens the door, swinging the baseball bat above the murderer’s head and bringing it down, knocking him out.

“CUT!” Robyn hears from outside the shed.

She frowns and walks out to see who yelled that only to find what seems to be a camera crew with a woman in a blue blazer walking towards Robyn. She grabs the bat out of Robyn’s hand and gives her a stern look.

“You’re not supposed to hit him on the head with it, you’re only supposed to knock the knife out of his hand.”

“What?” Robyn frowns.

The woman takes out what looks like a script and opens it up, showing it to Robyn. “Look, it says in the script that you hit the knife out of his hand. You could have seriously hurt him by doing what you did.”

Robyn looks over to the murderer to see him being helped up by two men.

“What the hell?!” He looks at her angrily. “You almost knocked me out.”

Robyn looks back at the woman in confusion. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” The woman furrows her eyebrows.

“None of this is real?” Robyn asks.

“No, we’re filming a movie.” The woman says and then she turns to someone behind her. “Can we get first aid down here please?”

And that’s when Robyn realises. She’s been playing this character for so long that she’s becoming the part. She really believed this was all real.